Here's a funny trick you can use to soften your delivery. Imagine that you're talking to a friend instead of your partner. Most of us listen to our friends more closely, and we have lower expectations and more patience for them. We tend to give them the benefit of the doubt, and we don't get as triggered by what they say or do. Imagine one of your best friends in front of you when you're talking to your partner, and watch your communication transform. This is a fun hack to play with, and it's surprisingly effective in the moment!
Here are a few other ways to start softly:
- Keep your tone calm and even.
- Be aware of your facial expressions and body language, and try to convey relaxation.
- If you're open to it, hold hands or touch while you talk. A little bit of physical contact reminds you of your love for each other.
- Make sure your first few sentences are particularly kind and open.
4: USE "I" LANGUAGE
You've probably heard this one before; it's an oldie but a goodie. Instead of saying "You did this" or "You did that," talk about your personal reactions and experiences using "I" "me" and "my". So, instead of, "You never want to spend time with me," you say, "I've been feeling lonely lately, and I've been wanting to feel more connected to you." If you're feeling stuck, here's an easy framework to use: "I feel X, and I need Y. Notice how that worked in the prior example-I'm feeling lonely and I need more connection.
Using "I" language cuts defensiveness off at the pass. If you tell your partner, "You did this" it's going to feel like an attack to them, and it's likely to trigger an argumentative response like "No, I didn't!" But if you talk about your own experience, it's less likely to inflame that defensiveness.
This also helps you identify the feelings that are coming up for you. Your feelings are what need tending to when you're upset, not the actual details of what happened. I'll give you a great example: If you say, "You haven't initiated sex in months, your partner is going to respond with something like, "Yes! have! I did three weeks ago." Then the conversation turns into a debate about exactly how many weeks it's been since they initiated.
#书摘 Sex Talks
Here are a few other ways to start softly:
- Keep your tone calm and even.
- Be aware of your facial expressions and body language, and try to convey relaxation.
- If you're open to it, hold hands or touch while you talk. A little bit of physical contact reminds you of your love for each other.
- Make sure your first few sentences are particularly kind and open.
4: USE "I" LANGUAGE
You've probably heard this one before; it's an oldie but a goodie. Instead of saying "You did this" or "You did that," talk about your personal reactions and experiences using "I" "me" and "my". So, instead of, "You never want to spend time with me," you say, "I've been feeling lonely lately, and I've been wanting to feel more connected to you." If you're feeling stuck, here's an easy framework to use: "I feel X, and I need Y. Notice how that worked in the prior example-I'm feeling lonely and I need more connection.
Using "I" language cuts defensiveness off at the pass. If you tell your partner, "You did this" it's going to feel like an attack to them, and it's likely to trigger an argumentative response like "No, I didn't!" But if you talk about your own experience, it's less likely to inflame that defensiveness.
This also helps you identify the feelings that are coming up for you. Your feelings are what need tending to when you're upset, not the actual details of what happened. I'll give you a great example: If you say, "You haven't initiated sex in months, your partner is going to respond with something like, "Yes! have! I did three weeks ago." Then the conversation turns into a debate about exactly how many weeks it's been since they initiated.
#书摘 Sex Talks
